Tarnished
by Looneyngilo
Summary: In Year 5, the Marauders have been enjoying their full moon adventures, until an accident makes Remus reconsider everything. Author's note: Inspired by Lupin's comment about 'near-misses' in POA.


Sirius went up the spiral steps in the tower leading to the boy's dorms. He kept tripping a little and had to keep hold of the stone wall. It seemed eternal, but he could hear Peter whining behind him and James cheering a few steps in front, though he could easily have woken the entire Gryffindor Tower.

Sirius felt the ache in his body, knew bruises would appear, knew he had been bleeding, too, before he did the quick spell in the Entrance Hall to suture the wounds. He was starting to feel the adrenaline rush fade, the exhilaration, but he still felt light, like he'd experienced a release of some sort.

He sometimes smiled and put his hand on his abdomen, feeling the blood that had seeped through the fabric but was now dry and hard. There were similar patches of drying blood on his legs and arms.

He stumbled into their darkened room, the door open to the candlelit hall, and threw himself on his bed, staring at his canopy and still touching the blood on his shirt.

James was gently jumping about the room. He must've been in pain, too, but he was still in the heights of the adrenaline rush.

Peter, meanwhile, had thrown himself on the floor and refused to move. He hadn't suffered any sort of injury, but he was tired, and he stared at James as if he was the most wondrous thing in creation.

Sirius threw one of his pillows at James, laughing, and fell asleep in his clothes, smiling.

The next afternoon, Sirius sneaked into the brightly sunlit infirmary. James had Quidditch practice - and, essentially, so did Peter, who never missed an opportunity to watch him play - but before practice, James had run down and fetched some brownies and pumpkin juice from the kitchens for Remus.

Sirius moved the white curtain around what he knew was surely Lupin's bed and smiled, as Madam Pomfrey hadn't noticed anything. He stood there for a few seconds, his blood turning to ice, as he always felt when first seeing Remus soon after the full moon.

Lying asleep on the white bedding, Remus's eyelids were lightly red, and there were purple-gray circles beneath his eyes. His skin was paper-white and glassy, except for ruddy cheeks and flushed bitten lips.

He had obviously had a fever, his thick brown hair wet and sticking to his forehead. He seemed skinnier than ever beneath his baggy white hospital pajamas.

His eyes fluttered open suddenly, but he stared at the ceiling, as if still dreaming. Then he turned his head and seemed to _see_ Sirius beneath James' invisibility cloak. He didn't stop staring, nor did he smile once Sirius removed the cloak.

He reached out to touch the silvery cloak, which slithered like water on his weak fingertips, and Sirius stood there, watching him, until Remus dropped his arm.

Sirius then set James' gifts on Remus's side table, but said nothing. Remus just stared at the food.

"Eat," said Sirius, firmly.

Remus looked up at Sirius, a sudden flash of anger, but he sat up slowly, and after taking a small bite of a brownie, he dropped his hands to his lap.

"I almost killed that woman," he said, staring down at his hands.

"So I almost killed you." said Sirius, still in a firm voice.

Again, the anger flashed, and he scoffed. "That's not enough."

A week later, finally having been released from the infirmary and now using the weekend to catch up on his fifth year schoolwork, Remus sat in the dark library, far from the early afternoon sunlight.

He still felt weak and heavy, and had now reread the same sentence in his arithmancy book six times without understanding a single word, his thoughts instead looping back around to that night, that woman, Sirius and James barely controlling him.

Sirius, who'd only been in the library five minutes before he decided he already knew everything he needed for his Potions exam, had set his feet on the table and kept looking around in boredom.

In one swift motion, he suddenly sat up, took out his wand, and called out "Accio" for Remus's book, catching it.

When Remus didn't react, Sirius leaned in, his eyes intense, almost angry, and he asked, "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing", Remus said softly, turning to look at his stacks of parchments, calculating just how much extra work he'd have to do every night to catch up.

Sirius had expected a rise from Remus, so he threw the book back onto the table. Remus briefly glared at him.

"Let's go," Sirius said.

As Remus ignored him, he made a spell that blew the papers off the table.

Remus stood up immediately, but he was trying to stop himself from saying anything, and so he kept raising and lowering his arms, his hands opening and closing.

"You're not learning anything. Let's go."

Still not looking at Sirius, Remus did a short spell that stacked his papers, and he hastily put all his things in his bag.

Some minutes later, Sirius easily broke into the Quidditch lockers, and took two of the Slytherin team's broomsticks.

"They'll catch us."

"Let them," said Sirius, smiling.

Seeing Remus hesitate, Sirius rolled his eyes and said, "They won't. They'll just think we're some guys who strayed off from the Quidditch practice."

For a few moments, Sirius stood there, playing with his wand in hand, a devilish look in his eyes, looking at Slytherin's broomsticks.

"Sirius-" Remus said, suddenly stern.

Sirius just laughed.

They had been flying around over the Forbidden Forest, pushing the speed limits of the brooms, the minutes, hours, melting away, and Remus felt his whole self filled with cool air. It was late afternoon before they settled down, looking at each other and laughing, as they loudly struggled to breathe.

"You're angry… Not at me," said Sirius, suddenly, in a friendly tone.

Remus didn't fully stop smiling, but averted his gaze, and looked out at the steel-gray lake.

"Do you know what happens when you turn?," asked Sirius.

Remus laughed.

"Besides the excruciating pain. Do you know what happens?" Now Sirius looked away into the dark woods. "Your heart stops."

Remus turned back to see him.

"It shrinks."

"Is that supposed to be some clever analogy?," he asked angrily.

Sirius raised his brows, shrugging, his eyes daring Remus, who laughed in response.

"When you turn," said Remus, "you choose to turn. And it's painless. And you're still you," his voice had, until then, remained measured and careful, but suddenly the words came spilling out. "But when I-?… I can't scream! I'm burning inside, like fire, like acid. My lungs feel like they're collapsing, my throat being ripped, and I - I-" he suddenly took out his wand, aiming it at a patch of dirt, making a small explosion. He did it once more. "I want to kill! I feel this build up, this rage, this... _desire_, and when I hurt you? Or James?" he said, pausing. Laughing gently, he said "I want it. It feels… it's not enough."

Shaking his head, he looked at Sirius, who looked steadily at him, unsurprised.

Remus now really looked at him, and not seeing judgment in his expression, he felt his anger dissolve. "It's not fair of me… to be angry."

Sirius shook his head, rolling his eyes. Impatiently, he said, "Don't apologize... It's not you, Remus."

"But I feel it sometimes, even when I'm not a -"

"You feel what, anger? Rage? That's... it's normal. Especially if you want to kill me. I'm an annoying fucker."

Remus smiled, but said "I don't want to hurt anyone."

"We won't let you. And I don't just mean Peter and James. _You_ won't let yourself." After a pause, he smiled lightly, his voice slightly mocking. "Now I think you can do some of your stupid Ancient Runes work."

"What?" asked Remus, bewildered.

"And I forgot to tell you, you're 200 pages behind on History. Nothing special happens. Disease, wars, deaths, someone winning. 10 page essay on that… Due… _tomorrow_?"

Remus laughed and let out a small scream, as they walked back to Hogwarts.


End file.
